Funny The Things You Thought You’d Never Miss

It wasn’t until college that I discovered my independence and began to test boundaries that weren’t even there anymore. I loved the freedom of staying out until 2am, the rush I felt walking around campus at all hours with people I thought the absolute world of, how happy I was standing in the stands at a UMaine ice hockey game or football game with my best friends. It took a while, about a year of fighting it, for me to embrace it fully.

Growing up I always wanted to be perfect, was taught with everything I had that I was supposed to act a certain way, immediately pray away my bad thoughts, and felt the need to be the good child in the midst of two rebellious siblings. I grew up religious, with church and God the center of my world. I attended Sunday School and church, AWANA, spent my summers at a religious camp, attended Youth Group and Vacation Bible School. I went because it made my parents happy, it was what I had always done, to me it was who I was; what made me me. I didn’t ask questions about it, I just went.

My Sophomore year of college I began to snap. Those people who I trusted more than anything, who helped raise me and mold me and were there through glasses, braces, first boyfriends, horrible blowout perms and heartbreak had let me down. They made me believe that they cared, were forgiving, would always be there for myself and for my family. But they weren’t. I didn’t understand why they had said that Christians would be supportive and forgiving, would lift up the sick and not just the healthy if it wasn’t true, and suddenly I felt shunned.

I guess that this was the time that I began to rebel in my own way. Suddenly I was drinking too much, dating people who weren’t necessarily good for me, exploring tattoos, beer pong, obnoxious rap music and I didn’t always make the best decisions. I was angry that I was let down, that people who I thought would always be there had lied to me. I didn’t want to go to church anymore with people who had done this to me. Who had hurt me. In my mind, it wasn’t just the people in the church who had let me down, it was God too.

As much as this time hurt me, it also made me stronger. It was during this time that I realized that I craved independence; I always had, but I had never had the opportunity to be completely free. Don’t get my wrong, my parents allowed me to go out, encouraged me to be adventurous, had always sworn up and down that they would save the inevitable lecture until the next day. But I didn’t want to let people down, I didn’t want to let myself down, so I stayed put.

Then suddenly I wanted different things. I wanted to go out, branch out, live. This time in my life was important because I was able to explore what I wanted, liked, loved, had been craving for forever all on my own. I was doing what I wanted for me, and not for anyone else. For once nobody was telling me where to be, what to believe, when to go to bed, that my skirts were too short and my shirt was too low, who I should and shouldn’t be associating with.

I stayed angry for years. I continued my quest by completely diving into all the things that make me me. My college job at the pool, lifeguarding and teaching swim lessons to little ones who always made me smile despite them forcing me to sing against mine, and everyone else’s wishes. I made frequent visits home to my parents when I needed clean laundry, a bear hug, and a home cooked meal from my two people who never let me feel alone. Wine, One Tree Hill reruns, lesson planning until the middle of the night with construction paper letters and numbers strewn all around the living room floor. It was during this time that I discovered my rocks, who I am, when I created a foundation.

After I graduated college I moved three hours away, surprising almost everyone I knew who assumed I’d stay put in the small town where I was raised, and disappointing my grandparents who were and are my world. I began a job at a nonprofit organization that specializes in providing in home support to children with autism, and this is where things began to change. During my time working there I fell in love with a family who immediately changed my outlook on everything I knew; family, God, love. I had spent so long being angry at God, at the people who were cruel to my family, that I had put up walls and nobody, not even myself were able to break them back down.

The child I worked with changed me. Despite his disability, he was bright, kind, hilarious. I loved working with not only him, but his entire family. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me when I was scheduled a Sunday morning shift with him at church, a place I hadn’t attended in years. It warmed my heart when he would point at me and say, “Liiiiiiiz love” despite being mostly nonverbal. It broke my heart when he would cry and cry and cry after telling him that he could not spend his entire afternoon watching Thomas the Train, as he would wail, “soooo sadddd.”

In the time I worked with this family I found God again. I began to realize that religion isn’t the people who make up a church. God makes up the church. Each Sunday when I sat with this family and sang “Oceans” by Hillsong my heart came together just a little bit more, and part of me came back. I owe this family a lot, more than they know I think. They eventually moved, but I stayed.

I’m still independent, love wine, don’t always make the best decisions. God’s part of my life because I want him there, because he makes me feel whole, because he never leaves and he gives me hope, and not because someone else has told me to go or what to believe.

I’ve found that when I look at life in a happier light, things have a habit of being better. Even when everything stinks, is heartbreaking and hard, it’s at least manageable. It’s funny to me that whenever I begin to feel the most content in life, things naturally have a way of getting even better, and maybe that’s the way that it should be. Why would someone else want to be around me if I don’t even want to be around me? I find that as soon as I start to feel like I could be okay alone then something great happens. I love that.

I like that I’m independent, witty, sarcastic, ridiculous. I like that I don’t back down on what I believe, that when I’ve found something that makes me better I go after it. Now I feel a rush just being me without the pressures of feeling the need to be perfect, because who really wants that anyways?