I find something so beautiful about anything new. New jobs, perspectives, clothes, friends, buds on trees after months of being frozen all the way to the bone.
I’m not hugely materialistic, although I do love new things, if for any reason other than being a welcome change. I say I hate change, but that’s not always true. I love new shoes, but let’s face it, new sandals won’t change my daily routine. I enjoy new friends and people in my life, but yet cannot for the life of me venture out to try a new coffee flavor, other than the ones I’ve gotten by accident. Why is that?
I bought new Spring clothes yesterday for Florida this week, all in corals and yellows and colors that are just new. Nothing that I’ve seen for a while as a result of my world being blanketed in whites and browns.
Maybe it’s because I’m scared of changes that actually matter. I mean, coffee isn’t exactly a game changer, it’ll just put me in a bad mood for a morning. But big changes…they are just the way that they sound. Big. Huge. A game changer.
I would love to teach somewhere out of state. Even somewhere out of New England. I love Maine most of the time, but it’s really all that I’ve ever known. I can picture myself down south, summer dresses, sweet tea and bare feet while watching the sunset and blasting “Springsteen” by Eric Church. To me that sounds a lot like perfection.
But I can also see myself in Colorado. Mountains and hiking and views from great heights. Or California or Seattle or Miami. I would love to see what life is like outside of my normal routine, and maybe I could fall in love with another place with new people and new ideas and a new school.
I was having coffee with a friend yesterday and he asked me why I’m still in Maine when my heart really isn’t. I told him that I’m here because I have to – because of family. He told me that that won’t always be the case. He’s right.
Why am I so afraid of the unknown?
But change is beautiful, even small changes. Even small jumps that are out of the ordinary and little leaps of faith out of nowhere that leave you saying, “I didn’t know I could do that.”
I don’t know if any of you have ever heard the song “I Lived” by One Republic. It’s a song about doing what you want, and thinking of something that you want to do, or go, or someone you want and just going for it. Have you ever seen something; a picture or a movie or maybe even for real, and you though I want that? That happens to me all the time. It’s kind of like when you’re with someone; a best friend, a colleague, a family member, maybe even someone you’re madly in love with and you find yourself completely caught off guard and in awe. And you think, “Oh my God. I just really love this person.” Maybe they’re just reading, or singing, or talking about almost nothing, but it doesn’t even matter because in that moment there is absolutely no where else you would rather be.
Or you see someone Sky Diving on a television commercial about something silly, like Coca Cola, and you think, “why isn’t my life as cool as the random person advertising Coca Cola?” I want to do these things, I do. I want to Sky Dive, and hike the Appalachian Trail. I want to explore castles in Ireland and swim in Greece. I want to look at the Pyramids in Egypt and surf in Australia, and I want to do these things before it’s too late. Even if I have to do them all by myself. I want to be in love with life.
I’ve been working on being horribly straightforward and blunt. Saying, “I love you” when I mean it, and not saying it when I don’t. Telling someone that I like their smile because it makes my day and I feel like they should know that. Telling someone that I think that they’re a great person, spontaneously buying something because I want it, and love it, and for no other reason that it makes me weirdly happy. I’ve been working on going out when I’m asked, having coffee dates because there’s no reason to say “no,” telling people when they’ve had an affect on me.
So, I guess at this point I’m not exactly sure where I’m going to end up. I’m not glued here, there’s nothing really holding me back. I’m single and don’t have anyone tying me down.
I don’t know, I guess that I just want to live and be happy and be free and not regret a single thing anymore. I know that it’s risky to be blunt, affectionate, desperately honest. I know that. But I don’t want to not put myself out there anymore in fear of being rejected. I just think that life is beautiful. That people are magical, and so many people have made such giant impacts on my life and it would be such a shame for them not to know that. It’s a risk being desperately honest, or desperate in general, but I don’t care.
But if I were to die in a plane crash on the way to Florida on Tuesday, I wouldn’t want to regret a single thing, and have a single person not know how I feel about them. No matter how scary, pathetic, desperate, or ridiculous it makes me look.
I know you read this. I just know. And I want you to know that I love you, sometimes I feel like I need you, even though that’s not true. Please know that I’m here, and I miss you and think about you constantly. I know that I messed up, and I’m sorry. But I’m in love with you, and that must mean something. And my heart is on my sleeve and I’m trying to fix things. I’ll be here.
I think that there’s nothing more risky than pretending not to care.