Just Sneak Out, And Don’t Tell a Soul Goodbye

I can’t stop listening to music from my high school/college days. And, you can temporarily enter my mind for a moment as I list my top songs that I’m currently obsessed with.

  1. Check Yes Juliet, We The Kings
  2. Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls
  3. Like We Used To, A Rocket to the Moon
  4. Belle of the Boulevard, Dashboard Confessional
  5. Bent, Matchbox Twenty
  6. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and the Blowfish
  7. 21+, Butch Walker
  8. I Wanna Get Better, Bleachers
  9. I Need You, M83
  10. Your Guardian Angel, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
  11. She Paints Me Blue, Something Corporate
  12. Overjoyed, Matchbox Twenty
  13. I Won’t Let You Go, Snow Patrol
  14. I Wanna, The All American Rejects
  15. Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard
  16. Kiss Me Slowly, Parachute
  17. Stay Close, Don’t Go, Secondhand Serenade
  18. Style, Taylor Swift

The Night the Sky Fell Down

As it turns out, I did not die on an airplane on the way to Florida. Although, things weren’t looking promising on the second leg of the trip after being stranded in Newark for what felt like forever.

10441347_10153120409728184_4361262432414982810_nI had a fabulous time on vacation, and am still grumpy about being back in Maine. Florida, although ridiculously cold, was a break from reality. I went on so many roller coasters I thought I was going to throw up, visited Disney with my niece and nephew, read three books, burnt to a crisp on the only day it was eighty degrees, and spent an entire afternoon pretending that I had been accepted into Hogwarts.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and I flew back to reality on Tuesday afternoon. And have been sulking ever since.

I’ve never handled change well, but I think the change that’s been happening over this past week is going to be really positive. My sister, who has been my roommate for the past year while she began a new job and a new school, is moving out and on her own. This is something that I’ve been wanting for a while now, we both have. One of my friends is moving in in her place, and I’m really excited about it. My sister and I are about as different as you could ever get, and sometimes (all the time) we want to throttle each other. This will help.

I had a conversation with my mom recently about everything going on in my life. The new-way-of-thinking-Liz that’s all about positively and happiness and glittery rainbows. And you know, how I’m desperately in love with someone who doesn’t care about me anymore because I screwed it all up way back when, there’s that too.

I asked her if I was being stupid wanting someone that I can’t have, and what she would do if she were me. She said that she really couldn’t answer that, but assured me that I was not being stupid. (I think Mom’s are supposed to say that.) I asked her how long I should wait before letting go completely and moving on, even though I’m not entirely sure that it’s possible. I mean, I’ve been trying for seven years. Maybe, if there was ever a piece of him that missed me, he thought that nothing was for him here in Maine anymore. I’m here.

I didn’t admit how I was feeling to anyone, even myself, until recently. I think maybe my Mom always knew the truth, my real feelings, even when I didn’t.

She said that I need to wait as long as I feel is right. She told me not to sit around and hope that he will ever come back, especially since it’s a huge possibility that he never, ever wants to even think about me ever again. But that she wishes he would, that she thinks he’s pining for me as much as I am him, but I think she was just trying to make me feel better. Maybe because she loved him too, my whole family did.

She’s right though. He’s with someone else. I can’t just sit around and hope that someday he will miss me. Or that someday he will be single and want to be with me again, that maybe deep down he is somehow still attracted to me, or misses me. Or whatever.

I think I know what I have to do, I think I know my answer.

As much as I don’t want to, I think I need to move on. Or try to. He’s with someone else and I need, and will, respect that. I won’t be that person who ruins something beautiful for someone else. I know that I can be a huge pain in the ass, but I would never want to ruin someone else’s relationship. Especially his. I want him to be happy, even if it’s with someone else, even it makes me feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. And as much as I wish I was in his thoughts, and that he would come home to me every night, he’s not going to and I’m not. I need to accept that. My Mom was right, she said that it was up to me to decide that it was time to move on, so I’m going to at least try. It hurts though, and honestly makes me a little woozy.

I don’t want come across as being pathetic, although maybe I am. It’s just how I feel, and I needed to get it out somewhere. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. It’s kind of consumed me, actually. Music has always been my go-to. Maybe because I have such a hard time vocalizing things, and music kind of says it for me when I can’t.

It’s ironic, he always wanted me to be more vocal, and now I can’t stop talking. Now it’s too late. And I’m here, with an ache in my chest that just will not go away, and there’s absolutely nothing that I can do to make it better.

The very first night he ever called me, sixteen years old at the end of summer, I was laying on the porch swing under the stars. I was listening to “Crazy For This Girl” by Evan and Jaron, thinking about how happy I was.

I’ve listened to it at least one hundred times this week.

I Was So Alive, Never Been More Free

I find something so beautiful about anything new. New jobs, perspectives, clothes, friends, buds on trees after months of being frozen all the way to the bone.

I’m not hugely materialistic, although I do love new things, if for any reason other than being a welcome change. I say I hate change, but that’s not always true. I love new shoes, but let’s face it, new sandals won’t change my daily routine. I enjoy new friends and people in my life, but yet cannot for the life of me venture out to try a new coffee flavor, other than the ones I’ve gotten by accident. Why is that?

I bought new Spring clothes yesterday for Florida this week, all in corals and yellows and colors that are just new. Nothing that I’ve seen for a while as a result of my world being blanketed in whites and browns.

Maybe it’s because I’m scared of changes that actually matter. I mean, coffee isn’t exactly a game changer, it’ll just put me in a bad mood for a morning. But big changes…they are just the way that they sound. Big. Huge. A game changer.

I would love to teach somewhere out of state. Even somewhere out of New England. I love Maine most of the time,  but it’s really all that I’ve ever known. I can picture myself down south, summer dresses, sweet tea and bare feet while watching the sunset and blasting “Springsteen” by Eric Church. To me that sounds a lot like perfection.

But I can also see myself in Colorado. Mountains and hiking and views from great heights. Or California or Seattle or Miami. I would love to see what life is like outside of my normal routine, and maybe I could fall in love with another place with new people and new ideas and a new school.

I was having coffee with a friend yesterday and he asked me why I’m still in Maine when my heart really isn’t. I told him that I’m here because I have to – because of family. He told me that that won’t always be the case. He’s right.

Why am I so afraid of the unknown?

But change is beautiful, even small changes. Even small jumps that are out of the ordinary and little leaps of faith out of nowhere that leave you saying, “I didn’t know I could do that.”

I don’t know if any of you have ever heard the song “I Lived” by One Republic. It’s a song about doing what you want, and thinking of something that you want to do, or go, or someone you want and just going for it. Have you ever seen something; a picture or a movie or maybe even for real, and you though I want that? That happens to me all the time. It’s kind of like when you’re with someone; a best friend, a colleague, a family member, maybe even someone you’re madly in love with and you find yourself completely caught off guard and in awe. And you think, “Oh my God. I just really love this person.” Maybe they’re just reading, or singing, or talking about almost nothing, but it doesn’t even matter because in that moment there is absolutely no where else you would rather be.

Or you see someone Sky Diving on a television commercial about something silly, like Coca Cola, and you think, “why isn’t my life as cool as the random person advertising Coca Cola?” I want to do these things, I do. I want to Sky Dive, and hike the Appalachian Trail. I want to explore castles in Ireland and swim in Greece. I want to look at the Pyramids in Egypt and surf in Australia, and I want to do these things before it’s too late. Even if I have to do them all by myself. I want to be in love with life.

I’ve been working on being horribly straightforward and blunt. Saying, “I love you” when I mean it, and not saying it when I don’t. Telling someone that I like their smile because it makes my day and I feel like they should know that. Telling someone that I think that they’re a great person, spontaneously buying something because I want it, and love it, and for no other reason that it makes me weirdly happy. I’ve been working on going out when I’m asked, having coffee dates because there’s no reason to say “no,” telling people when they’ve had an affect on me.

So, I guess at this point I’m not exactly sure where I’m going to end up. I’m not glued here, there’s nothing really holding me back. I’m single and don’t have anyone tying me down.

I don’t know, I guess that I just want to live and be happy and be free and not regret a single thing anymore. I know that it’s risky to be blunt, affectionate, desperately honest. I know that. But I don’t want to not put myself out there anymore in fear of being rejected. I just think that life is beautiful. That people are magical, and so many people have made such giant impacts on my life and it would be such a shame for them not to know that. It’s a risk being desperately honest, or desperate in general, but I don’t care.

But if I were to die in a plane crash on the way to Florida on Tuesday, I wouldn’t want to regret a single thing, and have a single person not know how I feel about them. No matter how scary, pathetic, desperate, or ridiculous it makes me look.

I know you read this. I just know. And I want you to know that I love you, sometimes I feel like I need you, even though that’s not true. Please know that I’m here, and I miss you and think about you constantly. I know that I messed up, and I’m sorry. But I’m in love with you, and that must mean something. And my heart is on my sleeve and I’m trying to fix things. I’ll be here.

I think that there’s nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

Butterflies, Early Summer

There are times in my life where I have felt invincible, powerful. Like nothing could ever go wrong. Kind of like that feeling in the summer, when the day is perfect and the windows are down and your favorite song comes on and you honestly think, “this couldn’t get any better.”

I haven’t felt like that in a while. Since my Dad’s diagnosis I’ve actually felt the complete opposite, and it’s scary to not be in control. And it’s not just with illnesses, I’ve been recognizing these moments more and more, and maybe it was naive of me to never see them before. By “maybe” I mean it was. Like driving in a snowstorm, and losing control of the car, never knowing where I would end up. In walking through the city at night, knowing that it’s actually not as safe as I once thought that it was. Even at my last job interview where I got so nervous, I’m pretty sure I blacked out; I walked out and had no idea when had just happened inside of that room. In wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying everything that I needed to, in being so, so vulnerable and then being let down. Patience. People tell me I need to work on that, and they’re right. But at the same time, if you have an inkling of a feeling then you should jump for it, just do it. Nothing this important was ever easy. And this is the most important thing, that’s why I jumped.

532335_10151039230248184_2075387113_nThere are things that I have always felt so in control of; my job, my clothes, my hair, and for the most part, my health. In the people in my life, who I spend my time with, even my thoughts (sometimes). If I want to swim at midnight I go, if I want to have cereal for dinner than I do, if I want to drink too much then I can.

With my Dad, well, I’ve always known that he wasn’t the healthiest. As the most accident prone person on the planet, he’s always been in the hospital for something; broken collar bone, ankle, arms, fingers he sliced open with a jack knife while putting up curtains, four wheeler accidents, cancer, severe headaches, and Dementia. There’s nothing that can be done about it, and for a control freak like myself, it’s a tough blow. I want to be able to do something, or say something that could somehow make it better, but there are no amount of bandaids that could possibly make this better.

I’m trying to make as many memories as I can right now, because from here on out, this is as healthy as my father is going to be in this moment. I forget who said that, maybe it was my mother, but either way I don’t want to just make the rest of his time here as great as it can be, but I also want to make my time with him as great as it can be as well. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t, and I’m going to be the one remembering my time with him when he’s left us.

Next week I’m going to Florida with my family; our last vacation with all of us. I can’t wait to see my brother and his wife and the kids, but at the same time I’m nervous. I don’t want to spend the entire week saying, “this is the last…” because that’s no way to spend a vacation. But it is the last, and nothing is going to change that. No amount of planning how to keep him from getting lost, confused, scared is going to somehow make things the way that they used to be.

The thing that I’m going to miss the most when he’s gone is how much of a practical joker that he’s always been. Water balloons to the head when you least expect it, opening the door naked to Jehovah Witnesses, changing the speedometer in my first car so that I thought I was always going faster than I really was, pretending to be Chinese when going through the drive-thru. I’m definitely not as funny as my Dad, (well, I think I am) and it’s something that I’d like to work on, just being able to laugh at anything. I’m more sarcastic and ridiculous than I have ever been hilarious, but I feel like the legacy needs to be carried on, and I can at least try.  

That’s one way to carry on his legacy I think. It doesn’t change how much I’ll miss him though.

And, Baby, Your Smile’s Forever in my Mind and Memory

I was nominated for the Liebster Award by my friend Emma, which is definitely an honor. I love to write, I always have, and it’s neat to be noticed for something that’s a hobby. In turn I have to answer the questions she’s asked me. Thanks, Emma! You’re a beautiful soul.

1. Why did you start blogging?

I began blogging as both a stress reliever and as a hobby. I love to write, I always have, and I was finding that I had too many thoughts and nowhere to put them. I also suck at speaking sometimes, and get too nervous and freeze when I’m with someone face to face. Writing allows me to get my thoughts out anyways. I found that once I started writing instead of keeping everything inside I also started to actually sleep at night versus laying awake and driving myself crazy with “what if’s.”

2. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

If I could change one thing in my life it would be to erase being 17. Probably one of the worst years of my life filled with regret, mistakes, and myself just being an overly selfish drama queen. I lost someone I really really love because of my mistakes that year, and I’ll have to live with that always. If I could go back I would have stayed instead of ran. I would have told him every single day how amazing he is.

3. What are your goals for the future?

I have no idea. I’m happy with where I’m at right now, but I would like to figure out exactly where I’m supposed to be, wherever that is.

4. Which do you prefer, books or movies?

I love both, but I think books are usually better than movies. Things are usually better in my head, and then I get disappointed when I see the movie.

5. How many kids do you plan on having, if you are thinking about having kids someday?

I’d like at least 2. I love kids.

6. If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

I’d be a duck. Who wouldn’t want to be an animal that looks like sunshine and gets to swim all day?

7. How many posts have you done in total since starting your blog?

Around 120 or so? I’m not completely sure.

8. Who is your favourite singer/band?

I can’t choose just one. I love Snow Patrol, Kings of Leon, Goo Goo Dolls, Matchbox 20, M83, Joshua Radin and Ed Sheeran. I’ve listened to “Thinking out Loud” by Ed at least a couple hundred times this past couple of weeks.

9. What would your perfect day include? What would you do? Who would you do it with?

My perfect day includes sunshine, summer, iced coffee, summer dresses, forgiveness and eighty degree temperatures. I would be at a lake and I would spend the entire day doing everything I love with the person that I love.

10. When was the last time you had some ‘me time’ to relax?

The last snow day we had.

11. What is your favorite color?

Yellow!

12. What is something that you hate?

I hate being ignored. I hate it. It’s the biggest slap in the face – because it’s more like you’re saying you wish that person didn’t exist. At least when you say you can’t stand someone, or tell someone to “go away” then you’re showing that you still care enough to acknowledge them. When you’re ignored, you can’t hurt them anymore than you are at that moment. There’s not a worse feeling.

13. What is your favorite food?

Watermelon!

I’ve done more self reflecting over the last couple of days then I think I’ve done in my entire life. I’m really hoping that something great, happy, will happen soon.

Or does life not work that way?

Every Time I think of You, I Always Catch my Breath

I find it refreshing when I meet someone who knows exactly what they want. No, “I don’t care, whatever you want is fine,” or “you pick! I’ll like whatever it is that you decide,” or, “let me think about that for a little while.” I can say that because that’s me. I’m indecisive about almost everything. Almost. Many times even when I do know what I want I have a hard time coming to terms with it.

I’m not strait forward, I’m not blunt, I have a hard time admitting what I want out loud. I’m not sure why. Or maybe I do. I don’t like letting people down. I hate it when people are upset or disappointed in me. Any type of confrontation make me queasy. I don’t like being told that someone doesn’t feel the same way, no matter what it is, that the answer is “no.” And so many times I just keep quiet, and don’t say anything at all. Unless it’s really special.

I went to dinner last night with a friend from work, and we were debating over what to order. It was a place called The Dancing Elephant, a tiny little Indian restaurant across town. She had been there many times before, and I hadn’t, so I was going to simply order the same thing I always do. I went to place my order, and the waiter immediately said, “No. You’re going to get this instead,” wrote down his order instead or mine and promptly walked away.

Now, I’m kind of a pushover in general, but I was more blown away by the fact that he knew exactly what he wanted (or didn’t want me to get), changed my order and knew without a doubt that I would like it. Which I did. I loved it.

10469931_10153058576293184_6075128073215992802_nAnd I couldn’t help but think about this the entire drive home, about how I want to be more like the waiter at the restaurant, so absolutely sure of something, even if it was something as small as dinner. I want to be able to tell someone, “no, do this instead.” I want to be able to go into a grocery store without spending three times too long standing in front of the fruits and vegetables because I have absolutely no idea what to get. I want to be absolutely sure of things.

This past month I’ve been really trying to work on this. I’ve been trying to be more honest, upfront, able to admit what it is that I want. I bought myself tulips simply because I loved them the second I saw them. I admitted to myself how much I love someone, even when I know they don’t feel the same, because I think part of knowing what I want is also admitting it to myself, even when it’s hard.

I told my friend about this last night, and she said that it’s important to be upfront; with other people and with myself as much as possible. That the future is so open and I can’t just assume the worst. Can I? I mean, if I say “please” enough, will it make any difference?

Sometimes I lay away at night and pray for what I want, but then I feel bad. Like maybe my prayers are too selfish, or I’m asking for too much, or I’m not thankful enough when everything is happy and everything is good. I don’t want to be the kind of person who can’t handle it when God says “no”, or only finds themselves praying when times get hard or confusing. Or maybe I’m just scared. Scared that I’m not good enough, or that I’m just too late.

Just because I know what I want, that doesn’t mean that it’s what someone else wants. And that’s really, really terrifying.

Sunshine 🌞

wpid-snapchat-7556636893420009280Today I celebrated happiness with sunshine, lunch at Panera, and Remember the Titans. I think that the only things that could possibly make today any better would be having temperatures over twenty degrees and yellow flowers.

I love yellow flowers. I love handwritten letters, car washes and skittles. Bright colored shirts, sleeping in and curling up in pajamas on a Saturday night.

I think I’m doing pretty well on my pursuit, because there is absolutely nothing that I would change about today. Except, maybe to be with you.

“Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong.” Ephesians 2:19-22

Far Away

You know those things that you want so bad, but they’re out of reach? A raise, vacation, 10 extra minutes of sleep in the morning. For me it’s something different. Bigger. Or maybe it’s just bigger to me, unattainable.

It’s heartbreaking.

And I mean, I guess all I really want is to be completely happy. Whatever it is that that means completely. For me that means in everything, and I think that I haven’t had that in a long time and I miss it. Not to say that I’m not happy now. I love what I do, I do. I love teaching, I love getting to work with children every single day, I mean I always have. From the second I started working as a camp counselor, a swim instructor, I knew I loved kids. But work isn’t everything.

I want to fill those empty spaces that aren’t consumed with work and my family. And I love work and I love my family, but I want love and laughter. I want something real. Unfortunately I want that with someone I can’t have – he’s someone else’s happiness. I don’t want to come across as selfish or ungrateful, I guess I just remember pieces of my life that were so perfect, so amazing, and I know that and can remember them and I want that again.

Sometimes I wonder if there was something I could do to change someone’s mind. But it’s not really up to me, it’s up to them. Because if there’s anything I desperately want it’s to always be honorable and fair and to not screw up anymore than I already have in life. I want to always learn from my mistakes, and not make them again.

I have desire and I think that that’s okay. I think that a lot of people have this misconception that desire is a bad thing, but I don’t really think so. I think desire is real, honest, kind of vulnerable. At least it is for me. I want it so bad, like it’s right there, what I want is right there. From the bottom of my heart I want it, and there’s absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I read somewhere one time that if you love someone, you show them all of your desires – emotional, mental, your deepest secrets, your wishes, your lies, pain, everything. That’s kind of stuck with me, because I guess that’s what I’ve done lately. Even if I’m putting myself out there just to get rejected, at least I’m trying.

I guess I don’t really know what it is that I’m trying to say. I’m happy, but I know it’s not what I could have, because happiness isn’t spent missing someone so much it hurts, lying awake at night wondering “what if?”, praying for something that was ruined years ago.

When I think of happiness I think of water slides made of pudding and climbing up skateboard ramps in the middle of summer. The day I was told that I had been hired as a teacher, when I first held my niece, the week I spent in the Bahamas with my Mom, when I performed “Chasing Cars” at a dance workshop, and the smile on my nephews face on Skype as we compare our matching glasses. I think of the first time I ever said “I love you” to someone besides my family, my best friend’s laugh when she gets a joke after a moment too long, love notes, a double kayak ride, shooting stars, and brownies cut out of heart shaped cookie cutters.

But I know it’s close by, and I won’t stop trying. Some things are out of my control now, but there are some things I do have control over, some things that I want to do so badly and are within my reach. This summer I want to spend time doing things that I have always wanted to do. I want to go zip lining, skydiving, canoeing. I want to go back where it all began.