I’ve spent a lot of time this past year confused about how I feel, often times going from happy to sad in a matter of seconds.
But as of lately I have had a change of attitude. I’ve gone from caring way too much about what other people think, and over thinking absolutely everything, to not caring at all about what other people think and refusing to over think everything. It’s been odd for me, completely different from my normal personality of staying up halfway through the night reliving every word I’ve said all day long.
I’m not sure why this sudden change in myself has happened, but I’m honestly glad for it. I’ve been saying for forever how I need to focus more on being well rounded and happy, that I need to focus on the positives in my life and not try and control every waking moment of my life. And now it’s actually happening.
I’ve noticed lately that happiness comes in many different forms. In lazy Sunday’s filled with pumpkin bread and dinner in the crock pot. In the smell of autumn and leaves that are as big as my face. In a sweet letter from a parent at school, saying that I’m doing a fantastic job and that her child loves me and can hardly wait to go to school each day. In visiting with people who know me better than I know myself, but haven’t seen in forever. In weddings and Lifetime movies. In Netflix, Apple Cider mixed with Vodka, and in hearing someone tell you that they’ve missed you, and knowing that they mean it.
Happiness is a new shade of nail polish, a three day weekend, looking at someone in a different light, and having someone make time for you, reconnecting. I’ve been there lately.
Happiness is a text asking how I’m doing, and knowing they actually want to know. Happiness is in colorful gourds, carving pumpkins that come out absolutely terrible, and the suspense of knowing that Peppermint Mocha Coffee comes out in less than a month. Happiness is online Christmas shopping, the Christmas lotions coming out at Bath and Body Works and the smell of a brand new (to me) car after weeks of insane car drama and car accidents.
Something that I’ve noticed is that these things have been here all along, I just didn’t notice them. Now I do. Last year at this time I wasn’t able to see these things. I was angry and bitter and I completely dreaded the coming of the holiday season, which is typically my favorite. Now I can’t wait. My life isn’t murky anymore, it’s clear. It’s clear that I need to stop saying, “what if” to new opportunities and just sit back and let things happen and for the first time, I am. I’m just letting things happen.
So, for right now I’m not going to say “what if?” or over think or create insane scenarios in my head about my life. I’m not going to think of the negatives. I’m only going to think about how lucky I am to be exactly where I am at this very moment. And if things are supposed to happen, then they will.