I’ve taken the last couple of days to kind of work on myself. In other words, I’ve desperately needed an attitude adjustment because I’ve been a scrooge. I had a long chat with myself, and decided that I shouldn’t ruin this holiday, because it’s always been one of my favorites. It sucks, and I can’t make that change, but I can focus on the good. I need to, or I’m not sure I can make it through this. So, I’ve been keeping myself busy. I’ve run errands, gone Christmas shopping, and gone out with friends. Last night I went to a Christmas gala at church with my Grandmother, because she asked me if I would go. I didn’t really want to, who wants to spend their Saturday night at church with a room full of old ladies? But I went, because who can say no to their grandma. Plus, she bought me Taylor Swift tickets, so I was obligated. The speaker there was pretty great, and her whole lesson was on waiting; waiting for love, marriage, a family, answers. Ironic, seeing as how that’s something I’ve been struggling with for months and months. Where are my answers? Why did he leave me? If he’s not the one for me, then who is?
She left the speech off with this verse: Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not be faint.
Then she closed with this verse: Ephesians 2:19-22 ”When you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”
Yep, feel unloved, unimportant, and insecure. Check, check, anndddd check.
Now, I’m not a huge religious nut, but it is part of who I am. I believe in God, in hope. I like to think that God is up there watching over me, and impacting the things that happen in my life. That he has a bigger plan for me, something great in mind. And I’ve been bitter and sad and a tad bit ridiculous, and I’ve needed something to slap me in the face and help me snap out of things. Well, this lady kind of did that, and I don’t even know it. Sitting there, in a room full of eighty year old ladies in matching hats, she took my breath away. I need to wait. I need to be patient. Maybe he isn’t what I need to be happy for the rest of my life, maybe there’s someone better, greater.
I was doing really well until last night when I began talking with a friend. He told me that he’s been having a hard time finding one of our mutual friends a birthday present, but that he’s really excited for the party. I didn’t really respond, and he asked me what was wrong. “Nothing,” I told him. But my heart was kind of hurting a little bit. Stinging.
“Come on, the parties going to be awesome, I can’t wait.” I couldn’t really respond. “Come on Liz, what is it?” he said.
I wasn’t invited, that’s what. This guy is my ex’s best friend, and I wasn’t invited. I can’t say I blame him, I really can’t. But I really genuinely liked him, and considered him my friend too. That’s the thing about breakups; sometimes you don’t just lose them, you also lose their friends that also became your friends, and their family which you also considered yours.
“Oh,” he said. “I’m sorry Liz, I just didn’t think.” Yeah, he didn’t.
But I refuse to go back there. I will enjoy Christmas this year with my family. I will watch the classics when they come on television, and I will make cinnamon and salt dough ornaments at school with my students. I will wait, and try my hardest to be patient, because I’m so young, and he can’t possibly be the only guy out there who thinks I’m pretty..right?
While I’m channeling my inner positive, I’m also going to hope that tonight Maine gets some kind of freak blizzard and maybe we will get a snow day at school tomorrow. Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I’ve also told my sister that she can no longer mention her boyfriend to me for right now, I’m not there yet, and I can’t do it. I’ll let her know when I can, and I feel really bad about it, but her new boyfriend having the same name as my ex is just too much for me. Too hard. I can’t go back in the past every time I hear his name, that isn’t going to help me move on. She only rolled her eyes a little bit, ugh twenty year olds.
To end this on a positive note, I’ll tell a joke: Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.