We Never Know

A full night of guacamole eating, Law and Order watching, bubble bath taking is ahead of me. Today pretty much sucked, but I keep saying “Two more days until ten days off, two more days until ten days off.”

I’m exhausted, and plan to be in bed tonight before most four year olds. And I know I’ll sleep great, because we’re supposed to get an inch and a half of rain overnight, and I sleep the best when rain is coming down in sheets outside.

I found this tonight, and want to share this with you guys. It sums up what I want to be like, who I want to be, and what I want.

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Dont you just love this?

Happy Anniversary To Me!

Today marks my one year anniversary of beginning my blog! I started it on a whim, a desperate need to get out all of my thoughts and emotions, and have some sort of release. It’s funny, because last year on this very same day, my father lost his job. And that’s why I started writing, started actually telling people what I thought and what I was thinking.

It’s ironic because today my Dad got laid off from his new job. His boss said he has an inability to remember things, which in a business where you are constantly ordering, selling, and trading parts, memory is important. They think he should go to the doctors.

So, today, exactly one year later I seem to be in the exact same boat.

But yet, I’m not. Because this year I have gone through so, so much. So much pain, heartache, breakups, and roller coaster rides. But I’ve never been alone. I’ve cried, and loved, and vented and all the while I have had such wonderful people all around the world who are reading what I have to say, and being such great friends by offering support and still continue to read what I have to say, even when I’m sure I’m obnoxious. I am so happy that I started writing on here, because I have people from Florida, North Carolina, Australia, London, and many other places who give me such great advice, lift me up when I’m down, and listen to me mope and cry about the same things when I think I’ve annoyed everyone else around here in my own town.

So, thank you so much new friends for being so great. I’m so lucky to have you, and couldn’t have gone through everything that I did on my own.

Xxx

Firefighters

I have spent the weekend either sunbathing, napping, catching up on Pretty Little Liars, and sunbathing again. Except today, when I woke up to it pouring outside, so I went to church and watched Legally Blonde. I’m already starting to turn a little more brown and a little less albino, so that’s good. People shouldn’t have to wear sunglasses when they look at my skin. 

No complaints here. April showers bring May flowers, right?

Now that Maine has been blanketed in sunshine and enormous amounts of Vitamin D, my mood has increased by quite a bit. I’m finding more reasons to be happy that had previously been forgotten – grass is beginning to turn lush and green in many places around the city, and little flowers and buds are popping up everywhere. The days are sunny and beautiful and I have been going to sleep every night to the sound of rain, which I love and I always sleep the best to. 

And to make it even better, yes tomorrow is Monday and I’m bummed about it, but this week is only a four day week, followed by TEN days off for April Vacation. I have to say that the best thing about working in the teaching profession is the schedule. 7:30am-2:30pm (not counting meetings, grading papers, etc) but that’s okay, and with weekends off. Also, the week long vacations every other month and field trips. Last week we took the students on a field trip to the Fire Station, and I was hopeful I would get a glimpse of an insanely attractive firefighter like in the movies, but not so luck. Instead they were all grandfathers. Adorable grandfathers, but not what I had in mind. Where are all my prospects hiding?

Maybe next time we will go to the police station.  

 

Bliss

I have to say that I’m making this quick post in a mild state of bliss and happiness.

Today was seventy degrees outside on this beautiful day in Maine. Bright blue skies, and no wind. I raced home after school got out, and ran through the door by 2:30 to throw on a bathing suit and summer dress. 

I spent two whole hours sunbathing outside and reading a brand new book. So, the ground was a little bit prickly from our lack of grass, and my albino skin was causing a blinding reflection off of the glass door, but I am so happy.

I’m now sunburned and smiling, a whole weekend is in front of me, and a trip to the grocery store for steak, watermelon, and pasta salad is on my to-do list for the seasons first barbecue tomorrow.

I have big plans tonight to stay up late and finish my new book, kick back a couple of vodka cocktails, and spend as much time outside as I possibly can.

Today is the first day in a long time that I have ended my day this happy. It’s relieving to know that it’s possible. 

The World Spins Madly On

One of the shows that I have been crazy obsessed with for years and years is One Tree Hill. It’s Saved By The Bell, Boy Meets World, and afternoon soap operas all rolled into one. It’s where I developed my love for blonde haired, blue eyed men, Angels and Airwaves songs, and an obsession with the name “Peyton.” I spent endless afternoons all through college with various seasons being the backdrop to my latest essay or heartbreak, and my awkward adolescent afternoons sporting braces and glasses and the ability to blush 354 times a day.

I still love it to this day, it’s my comfort show. You know, those days that are the absolute worst, and all you want to do is crawl into a dark hole and not come out until the weekend? It’s those days where I put my life aside, take a hot shower and stand under the water until I’m wrinkled as a prune, and have forgotten my problems, even for just a little while. I’ll put the show on as background noise, preferably season two, three, and four, and listen to The World Spins Madly On by the Weepies, and Missing You as the background music for the show. I can remember laying on the couch after dance lessons, a recent fight with my boyfriend, and snowy winter Saturdays bundled up wishing so badly that I could move to North Carolina and have the same life that all the characters there had.

Seriously, James Lafferty and Chad Michael Murray’s of the world, where are you hiding?

My point of this blast from the past is to share one of my favorite quotes from the show. I go back to it a lot, especially lately when I’ve been sad and not myself. Because lately everything has been making me angry, making me remember, making me feel like I’m being forced to move on and forget when I don’t want to, when I’m not ready to. People think and expect us all to move on as fast as the seasons change, so that we can go back to our old selves, happy and loving, almost like the person who changed us was never even there at all. Well, that’s just not fair. I’m stepping up, I know I’ll be better again, because happiness comes in many different ways, many different forms. In making someone smile, in bright pink flowers, bubble baths, sand between your toes, the first taste of watermelon in the summer, in making someone else’s dreams come true.

And I’m keeping this faith, keeping this attitude because I’m only twenty-three. I’m energetic and caring and I love with everything that I have, even if I don’t look like Brooke, Peyton, and Quinn. I know that to someone, someday, I’ll be really special.

“At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.”

Everyone has a story. Maybe we just haven’t met the person we’re supposed to share our own with yet.

 

Running Scared

Today was awful. I have been struggling at work lately with being constantly undermined, and it’s been making me anxious. I work with one child specifically, and whenever I say something, this other staff member immediately steps in and says the complete opposite – which is confusing for other staff, and especially the student. I realize that I am incredibly young, but I’m trying hard not to step on other peoples toes and know that I’m good at my job.

The problem is that this other staff member is only a few years older than me, and I think that I have become something to compete with. It’s annoying and I hate both confrontation and competition. Any type of competition either annoys me or doesn’t phase me. These reasons are probably why I was both a dancer and a swimmer. I could compete with myself.

Seriously, I hate it. Football? Nah. Basketball? Nope. Mini golf? It’s fun, but that’s it. Bowling? As long as it’s galactic and there’s some music playing.

Work has actually gotten to the point where I leave in tears, and have to go in bearing arms with a giant iced coffee and a pep talk from my mother. I don’t want to feel bullied at work, but at the same time I know that I’m the young newbie, and this might just be the way that it is. I love kids, I love teaching. I don’t want to begin to hate it because of staff members who refuse to let me step in and do what I love.

I left work today in tears after venting to a coworker for an hour. I drove home listening to Taylor Swift’s All Too Well, which I’m sure didn’t help things, and when I finally drove into my driveway, I sat in my car and cried for twenty minutes.

When I finally got up the nerve to go to my doorstep, there was an old Hannaford bag sitting there. I didn’t open it. I knew it was my stuff from him. I brought it upstairs on my bed and just sat there, all alone, so sad. I stared at the bag, and then tore it open as fast as I could to see if my things smelled like him. They did. After that I stopped myself, because I know that he could care less about me. That he has moved on, that this would all seem ridiculous to him. For me, this should feel freeing, motivating, like that piece of closure that I have been looking for for so long, but it just didn’t feel like that at all.

And all I could do was sit there, and bury that old Hannaford bag at the bottom of my hamper where I can’t see them, where I won’t see them, even though this is what I asked for. I think they will be there for a long time. And all I could think about was the Taylor Swift song that I had just listened to in my car over and over and over again on the way home from work. And the words kept playing over and over and over in my head just like they are right now, and it’s all I can hear.

“Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, and maybe this thing was a masterpiece til you tore it all up. Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it. After plaid shirt days, and night when you made me your own. Now you mail back my things, and I walk home alone.”

And I do remember it. I remember it all too well.