New jobs always start the same for me. I always psyche myself out, make myself nervous, think of all the possible terrible things that could happen. But yesterday was slightly terrible and overwhelming, and so this time I didn’t just psyche myself out for nothing. At least I was prepared.
I started my day off my sleeping through my alarm. I wasn’t too late, I still had time for a shower. I knew that I needed to shave my legs, but only completed one before realizing that I was out of shampoo and needed to get my new bottle out from the cupboard under the sink. Which was really far away when you’re soaking wet and naked. I sprinted from my shower, tripped on the bathroom floor and almost gave myself a concussion against the side of the bathtub. No worries, still alive!
I forgot to shave my other leg.
I left my phone on the kitchen counter, and didn’t realize until after I had already made the hour long commute into work. I didn’t have time to stop for coffee while I was leaving the city, so I stopped at a Dunkin’ Donuts which looked to be in the middle of a cornfield, and they gave me a stern response of, “sorry, pumpkin coffee isn’t being served until September 1st.” Bitches. I couldn’t even send whiny text messages about my pathetic morning to people. Now, isn’t that just pathetic?
This is why the city is way better.
The schoolday went fine with it just being New Teacher Orientation, even though it was made quite clear to me that I have zero clue what I’m doing. The good thing is that neither did any of the other new staff. I was given way too much information, and almost hyperventilated around hour five, and fell asleep around hour seven. They had me meet with my mentor teacher afterwards who clearly didn’t want to be there, and thought that her iPhone was cooler than me. I was supposed to attend a literacy conference today and tomorrow but ended up telling the school that I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed and could use these two days to further prepare for when the students will arrive next week. And I am feeling very, very overwhelmed. I came home from work and sat on the couch and sobbed for a good twenty minutes before calling my mom and crying all over again.
I know I’ll be okay, but there are about a hundred different assessments I’m expected to give, and know like the back of my hand and I just don’t. I don’t know the other 500 acronyms I’m supposed to know, the way to upload grades onto Infinite Campus, or what the hell the Cafeteria Plan worksheet is that I’m supposed to fill out. I’m frustrated because I’m supposed to have a mentor teacher to go to about all of this and I do have a mentor but she doesn’t want to help so I feel stupid asking. So, I have skipped the literacy conference, which thank God wasn’t required, so that I could stay home and lesson plan and all I’ve really done is watch Bones, deep clean my apartment, and online shop.
I’m feeling sad. And terrified. And wishing that I had some kind of distraction. I’m hoping that in my current state of disaster I don’t do or say something stupid, like I usually do, and make my life even worse. I should probably just stay home and watch old Heath Ledger movies, order takeout, and work on my nonexistent lesson plans. I guess that with all of the new going in my life, I’m really missing the old. Those people who read my blog regularly know what I mean by that, I just don’t want to say it.
So, yeah. I’m feeling a tad bit emotional. All I want is chocolate and pumpkin coffee and maybe a BLT, so you know it’s THAT time, and I would love nothing more than to curl up in leggings and a giant sweater and read a brand new book cover to cover. With you know, a couple glasses of vodka here and there.
Even just a, “Liz, you’re going to be okay, you’re going to be great.” would help me. It would.